We Don’t Trust Women, and it’s a Huge, Toxic Mess

Like everyone else, I learnt the news about Johnny Depp and Amber Heard when it broke on Twitter.  Clicking through to the hashtag to see what people were saying, it struck me what a huge and terrifying proportion of tweets were suggesting Amber Heard was lying – manipulating the truth to get a big financial divorce settlement;  that she was a gold digger, a whore, a slut, a dirty bisexual.  It’s the opposite to what you might presume to expect in response to a women who had just been a victim of an act of violence.

It seems to play into a bigger societal issue that we just don’t trust women.  It happens everywhere: sometimes it’s big and sign-posted, sometimes it’s tiny and subtle and seemingly insignificant. And combined it is a pandemic.

It happens in hospitals where men wait an average of 49 minutes before being treated for abdominal pain, and women wait an average of 65 minutes when presenting with the exact same symptoms. Those 16 minutes longer, a life-threatening punishment for vaginas which make us ‘apparently’ less trustworthy when describing symptoms.

It happens when there is a refusal to take seriously the sexual assault allegations against Bill Cosby until the victim number hit 40. It took forty women telling the same story for it to be heard.

It happens when women are sexually assaulted and asked what they were wearing or whether they had been drinking, as if that would make them complicit or to blame for the actions of another human.

It happens when Brad Pitt ‘cheats’ on his wife, and Angelina Jolie takes the media blame.

It’s happened to me in tiny ways. When I’ve offered directions at bus stops and they’ve looked to a man next to me to verify my response. In meetings where a man has been asked to verify an opinion or statement I may have made, or a question about a project I am running has been directed at a male colleague. It happened when I went to A&E, aged 23, because my leg kept giving way underneath me and a male A&E doctor told me, exasperated, to ‘just have more faith in my walking’ and 4 weeks later I was having emergency surgery to remove a tumour from my spinal cord which had been pressing against my nerves and left me temporarily paralysed.

It happened most damagingly when I was 20.  A fresher at university, I got a part time job at a well known pizza restaurant chain. Only working there part time, once or twice a week – I wasn’t really “in” with the staff there and it was very cliquey.

We worked shifts – either evening or daytime and one Sunday evening I was working the evening shift.  We were closing and the whole restaurant was empty – I busily mopped the floors and put all the chairs up on the tables whilst the male supervisor was cashing up. Once I’d finished, I yelled over to my male supervisor that I was going to head home and walked up the stairs to grab my bag. As I was walking downstairs I heard something strange and looked down to see my male supervisor standing square at the base of the stairs. Suddenly feeling uneasy, I slowed my step as I reached him and heard my voice come out a pitch higher than usual ‘Ok, I’m gonna head off now’ I said.

‘You can’t leave until I can touch your bum’ he said.

My face burned with shocked and I nervously laugh it off ‘oh, you don’t wanna do that, it’s such a rubbish bum’.

‘I can’t let you leave until I’ve felt it’.  

Suddenly he lurched forward and grabbed me, groping me so severely it was like he was kneading bread. I felt like I was suspended in time, and suddenly couldn’t speak or move. And then instinct kicked in, I managed to push him off, dash past him and flee through the fire escape. My legs shaking so much I thought I would collapse, I ran all the way home, and screamed up at a flatmate to let me in, having left my bag and keys at work. I had my phone in my pocket and within half an hour, the man had left me a voicemail telling me I’d overreacted, I was confused, I didn’t need to run off, he hadn’t meant anything by it…

The next day, I went and reported him to my manager. My female manager. She was remarkably uninterested. She pointed out there was no CCTV evidence (because CCTV wasn’t set up in the back of the restaurant) and so it was my word against his and ‘he had been there for longer’.  In the interim, he left multiple voicemails on my phone telling me I was ruining his life, that he had a wife and children and that I was a bitch. They refused to fire him, and when I asked for a transfer, they made a big meal out it. His friends at the restaurant accused me of making it all up, one girl in particular told everyone I was a whore who wore ‘low cut tops’ in my free time – I had been asking for it, or I was making it all up, but I was definitely a total bitch. So intense was the process that within weeks of it happening, even I believed that I had made it all up. Because no one would believe me, and maybe I was wearing a top too low cut, and maybe I was asking for it, and maybe I did overreact and maybe it’s ok for someone to demand to touch me.

By the time I arrived at the new restaurant I had been transferred to, the rumour mill was such that everyone eyed me with suspicion and wouldn’t even talk to me. I had lost every ounce of conviction and thus the icy reception, coupled with that uneasy feeling in the pit of my stomach that I was a terrible slut, led me to quit, shed a few tears, but ultimately move on, dust myself off and chalk it up to having the hard luck of being born a woman.
Only a few people know the true facts of what happened between the Depp and Heard, but we do all know a few things for certain.  Heard has photographic evidence of physical attack which she has presented it to a judge, who has in response granted her a restraining order. Yes this seems to contradict what Depp’s ex wife may have said, but having been in a toxic relationship myself, there’s a lot I could say on the matter. Everyone is different in each of their relationships, and abuse makes us walk a tightrope of wanting to cover it up or shout it from the rooftops.  But here, there a legitimate facts on the table which seem to silence the need for that argument. Those facts say things that we should all be paying attention to.

There’s a photo of her leaving court and dissolving into what look like hysterical tears in the back of a car. It’s a photo that pierces through me. I’m no longer upset about what happened to me back in pizza express when I was 20. The only thing I think when I remember it is, I wish it had happened when I was a little older. Now that I’m older and wiser and more capable of standing my ground.  I cannot imagine how terrifying it must be for Heard to go up against a media circus, an ex who has more money, more power, and substantially more popularity.  And she must now know that millions of people don’t believe her. Because she is a woman, and we seem to have a society that deems that in and of itself, untrustworthy.

Foundation of Dreams

Hello.

I haven’t written a blog post in the whole of 2016. I have loads of vague ideas up my sleeve, but LIFE has happened full force this year and it’s set me off track slightly.

I am coming out of my hiatus to write a short post about a new foundation I have. Disclaimer: I’ve actually had said foundation for a really long time, stuck in my make up bag, and just not used it.

It’s Clinique anti-blemish solutions liquid make up. I can have quite greasy skin which is prone to occasional break outs, and the lady at the make up counter told me it would help. Let me tell you…she was correct… it is MAGICAL. I feel like the best way to communicate how magical it is, is to simply share some of the compliments I have received since I have been wearing it (all delivered in the past week and all 100% genuine):

“My goodness, You look radiant. What have you done?”

“You look lovely!”

“You look great. I mean, like a different person. Have you been dipped in acid overnight and had some kind of amazing peel? You looks so alive” (A man said this. Acid dipping sounds awful to me)

So there you have it. Buy it and you too could stop looking like an undead.

CHEERIO.

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A Selection of Mid-Month Favourites!

I know writing a mid month faves blog is not how it’s officially done (plus it’s not even really mid month anymore!), but I am in the midst of writing a really serious blog and so wanted to brighten my day a little with something light-hearted and inconsequential!

Candle Love – I don’t really understand how it happened to me. I was late twenties and thought candles were a schmaltzy, pointless waste of money and then BOOM almost overnight I was obsessed. My absolute favourite candle is a Jo Malone candle. Obviously. I’ve only ever had one in my entire life and it was a present because I’m no millionaire and £42 on a candle is BONKERS. And so, I’m always looking for cheapies and this month I have found not one but TWO good replacements. First up is Persian Lime Shearer candle – they are available in a variety of sizes ranging from £4-£20 and they smell bloody glorious. The only downside is the presentation as the jars are a bit ming.  A good solution to that is the absolute bargain in the shape of a Tesco’s OWN candle. It’s own brand and it costs TWO POUNDS but it looks all clean and simple and tasteful. You can add it to your weekly shop as a little treat without even blinking.
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Manuka Honey Face Mask – The full name of this delightful mask is Montagne Jeunesse Manuka Honey Peel Off – it’s a little sachet you can buy from Boots FOR £1. I am so obsessed with face masks and do about two a week (which feels like a lot, is this a lot?) but I get really frustrated with ones that are clay or take AGES to wash off so I am an absolute sucker for peel off masks because the final bit is SO DAMN SATISFYING. This one leaves my skin feeling so smooth and lush and wonderful – although be warned you’ll spend the entire mask time resisting licking your own face because it smells so DIVINE.

Catfish – I love a documentary and Catfish was one of my absolutely favourites but it pales I’m comparison to the MTV’s Catfish reality TV show which is GOLD. I have now watched all 4 seasons and I did so over the course of around 6 weeks and it was the best goddamn hobbie I have had in ages (TV watching is a certified hobby don’t you dare disagree with me). I’m not going to lie, a big part (most) is Nev and Max. United they are The Perfect Man, but separated I will take Max please and thanks. They are Nice Men – caring, understanding, funny, fun and, ahem, pretty. It’s led me to have my first real life crush in A VERY LONG TIME. So thank you very much Catfish and Max.

Undisclosed – I listened to Serial for the first time about 6 weeks ago. OH MY GOD. I can’t believe I missed it at the time, but I kind of liked that I got to binge it all in one week. Anyway, I finished it convinced that Adnan was a guilty charming sociopath. And then I discovered Undislosed and everything flipped on it’s head again. Check it out if you haven’t already and then please can we all form a podcast group like a book group vibe, but to discuss all things Adnan.

This White Top – I rarely do clothes posts (i love clothes but I don’t have anyone to take FASH FASH pics of me) but I must just mention this fabulous white top from Primark. I cost approx £6 (i can’t remember the exact cost, but it was definitely less than a tenner) and I have comploments every time I wear it, and I feel like I’m in a Period Drama every time I wear it (because of the sleeves, i think). Recommended.
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That’s alllllll x

Home Alone

I moved into a flat by myself almost a year ago and lately I have been reflecting on the realities of living alone. I feel it is firstly important to mention that I am writing this in my pants, a big baggy sweatshirt with no make up, occasionally pausing to eat peanut butter straight out of the tub with a spoon. Living alone facilitates a kind of grossness which is absolutely delicious most of the time. It can also be awful when you see something SHOCKING on TV and have no one to dissect it with – take the ending of The Jinx, for example, which I binge watched alone and MY GOD not being able to speak to another human about that final scene IMMEDIATELY was vastly problematic. By and large though, it is fantastic and I am here to share some of the key things I have discovered in the last 10.5 months… 

You can be a dirtbag. But you aren’t. Mostly.

You don’t have to tidy up for anyone so you’d think you would live in ABSOLUTE squalor. In reality, most of the time you remain quite tidy. It turns out your natural instinct to want to live in a pleasant environment will kick in so you won’t sink too deep, even IF you have cream sodding carpets and no dishwasher.

Having said that, be prepared to leave the flat in a such a state every so often that you think as you’re leaving the house “I hope I don’t die today, because I’d be well embarrassed if anyone found this mess”.

You can be a decor princess. 

I probably have really terrible homeware taste according to 97% of the population. I like really girly things, and endless candles and the odd MOTIVATIONAL postcard. SUE ME. It helps to actually motivate me so stop judging me for being a cliched monster. Not having to compromise on decor and having the things you REALLY WANT creates just the happiest of environments.

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You still wear clothes

Loads of people who I told I would be moving in by myself said stuff like “oh amazing, you can walk around naked all the time!” as if it was a wonderful thing. This was a legitimate turn off to me and I became genuinely quite scared that I would accidentally become one of those people who swans around naked all day and from there it would be a hop skip and a jump away from nudist bike rides and naked weddings and I would end up on the local news somewhere. However, I have happily discovered that yes you can walk around naked all the time, but you basically don’t. In fact, the same instinct I have always had kicks in and whenever I walk from the bathroom to my living room in the nude to collect a towel or something I literally cover my boobs with my hands “just in case”.

The TV is your Oyster

Watching whatever the heck you want without judgement is just the best.  I recently watched THREE ENTIRE SERIES of Catfish over a three week period and fell madly in love with both Max and Nev and no one was there to judge me or ask me why I don’t have a life. It was brilliant. Except sometimes I do it with shows like 24 and I end up thinking I am actually IN the show and everyone is a terrorist and I look round my shoulder all the time. Yeah, that’s probably SLIGHTLY unhealthy. Still though, MAX SWOONS. 

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You will end up talking to yourself. And it’s fine.

This morning I accidently dropped my shampoo in the bath and I apologised to it.  I spoke to my ham because I wasn’t sure whether it was still ok to eat. I speak to myself about arguments I’d like to have (I am fundamentally scared of arguments and NEVER say what I want so I just have them with the wall so I aired all concerns). In short, I regularly chat to myself and I am totally ok with it. In fact, I recently read that talking to yourself is actually GOOD for your mental health so I have printed this article out and pinned it on the wall to reassure myself. 

You Become A Proper Adult

There is literally no one else to explain bills, meter readings, council tax, electoral registers and so you are forced to educate yourself. This last year, I have learnt about leaking toilets, blocked sinks, broken boilers. It is annoying as hell but makes you feel like a legitimate grown up for the first time – it’s quite extraordinary what you’re capable of.

You don’t need to share food.

AS IF this needs an explanation. The explanation is: It’s food. It also makes it super dupes exciting when you have a dinner party and DO share your food. You feel like GHANDI.

YOU NEVER GET WOKEN UP BY SOMEONE BEING REALLY NOISY.

Ah, sleepy bliss. On that note…. GOOD NIGHT. xo

Marvellous Things About Getting Old

I fixate about aging a lot. I think it is because I have a deep level of panic that I am behind on ‘Society’s Timeline’.  It’s like Big Ben is ticking intrusively loudly right next to my head at all times turning my life into a really long episode of Countdown, with Carol Vorderman smiling manically at me, and the dun dun music on repeat. The tune sings “you don’t have a partner”, tick, tock, “just buy a cat” tick tock, “your eggs are just dying” tick tock, “you haven’t written a book yet”, tick tock, ‘and where is your pension?!’ tick tock...

The thing about time is, it surreptitiously passes by and before you know it, kids start to call you “that lady” on the bus, hangovers are suddenly worse, you start preferring bars to clubs, and then pubs to bars and then your sofa in your pants to all human interaction. And the absolute worst is that you cannot eat as many tangfastic haribo as you used to without getting a) bingo wings and b) heartburn.

However, things creep in that are FANTASTIC and you start thinking SO WHAT if I don’t have ALL THE THINGS. So in the spirit of positivity and focusing on THE GOOD, I’ve made a list of some of the best things about aging. Print it out and put it on your fridge mate. Or your expensive pin board thing that you got from Habitat because you’re a fucking grown up now.

You can always be warm.

I can’t remember the age it happened but just suddenly I realised I no longer felt the need to go out without a coat mid-winter to show off my outfit. I remember night after night of me at 18, 19, even 25, with BARE LEGS / MIDRIFF / ARMS in ridiculously cold weather, occasionally even rain or snow. Looking back it seems totally unfathomable. My life was one of those Daily Mail articles where they show #brokenbritain dashing about in the slush wearing a tiny Lycra dress on New Year’s Eve. However, now I am old, I literally do not care. I want warmth. I’ll wear two coats and a scarf and gloves and a fucking hat mate. Fine. With. Me.

Fancy Dress is More Fun

When I was young I was slutty witch, slutty school girl, slutty nun. It turns out lots of things can be slutty. But MY GOD HOW BORING. They all involved something black and booby with suspenders or hold ups and cheap stilettos. I got over this dullness around 28 years of age and the last time I did fancy dress I was a worm and it was quite simply magnificent.

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(I really cannot stop thinking about how much I want this carrot costume)

You no longer care about ‘being cool’

I spent 6 A+ months not knowing what loom bands were and not at all caring.  Snapchat feels pointless and like a lot of effort, I’ll just send a naked selfies thanks babe. It took me a while to work out what #ootd and #tbqhwy meant, the thought of genuinely out-loud saying “shit son” “mugging me off” or “pie-ing” make my hair follicles hurt because I wouldn’t be able to nail the intonation. Essentially, I don’t feel the pressure I felt in younger years to do all the cool things. I am finally happy to admit: I really like musicals. I like colouring in books for adults, I like binge watching Netflix in my pants, sometimes from Friday night to Monday morning without speaking to any other humans. I like watching Oscar and Golden Globe acceptance speeches when I’m sad because they make me cry but happy tears. I like listening to the Step Up soundtrack on the way to work when I want to spend the day being FIERCE. I don’t find Channing Tatum or Johnny Depp attractive and I am ok with this even though everyone else thinks that’s weird. I am currently re-reading Harry Potter despite my English teacher scoffing at me when I read it in secondary school because it was ‘for children’ – rude. In short, I like what I like and no fun sponge is gonna make me feel ashamed of it.  So what if it’s not cool.

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FOMO is Obsolete

I used to suffer from UNbearable fomo (I feel too old to use that acronym. Using it anyway) but now I just do not care. I can leave a party when I want without feeling an ounce of concern that something incredibly exciting may happen at 3.17am and I missed it because I was wrapped in my duvet. I like my duvet and the things that happen at 3.17 are generally things I shouldn’t be doing. (Rule does not apply when you’ve just met someone new. All night fun is compulsory at this time).

I’m finally OK with being single.

Society really, REALLY wants me to have a boyfriend. Everyone gives me that weird ‘head cocked to one side’ look when I admit I am single and it’s like at least the 1st or 2nd thing people I haven’t seen for a while ask me. I feel duty bound to have witty story about a recent man I have met, but in reality a lot of the time I spend on dating sites I just don’t enjoy.  Sure, I want to meet someone bloody fantastic who likes snacks, TV, talking and having sex (apply within) (that’s what she said) … but dating is such a soul-destroying minefield that right now, I just want to be me and for that to be ok with everyone, because it is ok with me.

Good Food.

I eat things of different colours now. At uni, my diet consisted of cheese on toast. Jacket potatoes with cheese. Pizza. Crisp sandwiches and spaghetti hoops. Other than the occasional apple, beige food was my homie. Now I have more of a rainbow approach to my diet and it’s nice to not want to fall asleep every day at 4pm with beige carb coma. On the flip, being old also means I can have apple fucking strudle for breakfast IF I WANT. Ok, I have run out now. Getting old is A Ok.

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June Faves (Yes I know it’s July)

Oh Hello. There’s been a lengthy hiatus between this blog post and my last. I won’t go into the boring reasons why, I’m just gonna dive right in. SO it’s July and therefore I am going to a selection of my June favourites. A list of my fave beauty things from June. It makes sense to me, and that’s all that really matters.

Coconut Oil
A tip from a friend of mine who has skin like ACTUAL velvet has revealed that coconut oil is the best best best body moisturiser everrrrr. Granted I feel like a sweet potato in a roasting dish as I slather myself in it, but it REALLY does leave your skin feeling delightful. It is also super cost effective and lasts for agggggges. Bargains.

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Schwarzkopf Ultimate Blonde

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I have serious gripes with getting my hair coloured. It’s a) LUDICROUSY expensive and b) soooo time consuming. There’s just other places I’d prefer to spend those hours. Like, in my pants, relentlessly snacking, binge-watching Love Island (don’t judge it til you’ve watched it babe).  However, I did want a change (and some kind soul told me my hair was the most boring colour they’d ever seen) so I picked up this spritzy spray from Superdrug for a bargainous £3.  Essentially, I sporadically spray it on my ends whilst they’re damp, blow dry and it gently and kindly lightens my ends. Like a very subtle dip dye and SO BLOODY EASY TO DO.  I’ve had a lot of hair compliments recently so I am pleased as punch. Gosh, this has just made me realise how bizarre the phrase pleased as punch is. Perhaps they mean punch like the drink? Let’s hope so.

Nip&Fab Bust Fix
Not to be uncouth but I have preeeettty big boobs and I am KEEN to keep them perky so a good firming cream (that’s what she said. Lol) is always on my radar.  I am pleased to say this little bad boy has knocked approx 4 years off my boobs and so I am OBSESSED with it. You have to keep up with it (use it twice daily) but it genuinely has reduced any stretch marks and made me perkier with the added bonus of allowing me to update my tinder bio to “31…but with the boobs of a 27 year old”. A winner all round. Evidence enclosed:

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Has anyone tried the Nip&Fab Tummy Fixer? I want to have the abs of GISELE so all help is required.
Booja Booja
Mixing it up and adding a FOOD fave, my absolutely favourite thing from the month of June is Booja Booja ice cream. I am lactose intolerant, which is exactly as tedious as you would imagine, and in this glorious weather I have been SERIOUSLY missing ice cream. So imagine my delight when I discovered totally dairy free Booja Booja that tastes AMAZING! It has the added bonus of being calorie light and actually pretty healthy as well so I feel basically virtuous when I eat it. It’s win win.

And finally, not to be neg, but I’m introducing my ‘Please Get in the Sea’ item. This month is Micellar Cleansing Water. 
Whilst I am quite obsessed with skin care, think serums are holy and do around 3 face masks a week, I’m very lazy when it comes to cleansing. I think because at that stage of the evening I am TIRED and I just want to sleep and I cannot be bothered to get my face all lathered up. Yes I know this is simply sacrilege but I’m just being honest so don’t shoot the m e s s e n g e r.  I’m working on and in the meantime I do look for cheats and so Micellar Cleansing Water is exactly the type of product that I’m gonna fall for. After seeing multiple beauty editors recommend it I gave it a whirl. Two whirls actually: L’Oreal and Garnier. Both have been distinctly underwhelming. They’ve made my eyes sting removing my eye make up, leave my face feeling almost rough and dry and don’t even successfully remove my make up. It’s going in the bin for me.

Until next time, pals. xox

Birchbox Review

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So…I’ve decided to do a little review of this months’ Birchbox. ILOVEBIRCHBOX. It’s a beauty subscription service where you pay £10/ month and get a box of random beauty samples each month. Some months are obviously better than others, but it never fails to feel like a TOTAL treat, they usually come in a beautifully designed box and I always forget about it so it’s a lovely surprise.

Anyway… moving on… here’s a little glimpse into this month’s delightful contents.

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First up, is a LOLA-Barcelona nail varnish in the shade Gracia. Now, lets be honest, nail varnish must be pretty easy to nail (PUN INTENDED BBZ) so they don’t get any prizes for making a nice shade, BUT it’s a strong and vibrant colour and two coats provides solid coverage. For me, really the mark of a good nail varnish is how long it lasts well. My fingernails are virtually chip free 5 days on and my toe nails are perfect AND I do all my own washing up, so that’s quite the feat (feet, lol). ALSO, I didn’t use the suggested top coat (seriously, who has the time?) and so just IMAGINE the results one could get if one wasn’t so lazy.

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So next up from Birchbox is Percy & Reed’s Volumising No Oil Oil – claiming to make your locks ‘smooth, sleek and shiny whilst adding volume’.  I have to admit, I have never been so on the fence undecided about a product in my LIFE.  On the one hand, it smells LOVELY (like randomly picking up the bottle to sniff it in moments of boredom levels of good) and it most definitely adds VOLUME.  On the other hand, it makes your hair feel a bit…. weird. It almost feels as though it adds volume by making your hair a bit… frizzy? Or thicker? Or wiry-er. It’s just a bit… odd. So in conclusion, it looks good, but feels bad.

Moving on to the one I was MOST excited about: Liz Earle’s Cleanse & Polish Hot Cloth Cleanser.  I feel like I’ve been waiting to sample this my whole goddamn life (real time: 3 years). It’s one of those products which is recommended left, right and centre but the price tag has always put me off.  One full week of using it and I am KIND OF impressed. My skin feels a bit brighter, but after every use it’s a liiiittle blotchy. Not upsettingly so, and I imagine it’s the ‘polish’ aspect working it’s magic but I find it a tad off-putting, and I’m not sure I will go all out and buy this, which my wallet is pretty happy about, TBH.

Laura Mercier Primer – Ok. So I’ve had my eyes on primer for YEARS. It fascinates me. It makes me think of painting walls, it’s baffles me, it intrigues me, why is it so important, what is it for, is it a con? I MUST HAVE IT. Obviously,  it’s way too expensive to justify actually buying so this is one of my fave samples to date.

You use underneath foundation and it goes on like an absolute dream. Does it work? I think it’s made my skin a little bit less shiny sweaty and it’s made my base last a little longer (particularly my blush) but I’m not yet 100% sold.  I’ll use up the full sample tube (that’s what she said) and get back to you…

Next up, we have Pommade Divine Nature’s Remedy Balm – the cure for a variation of dry skin ailments. I’m drawn to stuff like this like a moth to a flame. I have weird skin that frequently gets strange dry patches and weirdness. During sample time, I haven’t actually had any specific use for it, so I’ve been using it on my elbows, which tend to get very dry, which tend to get very dry and my lips as who doesn’t love a lip balm. And I LOVE IT. The price tag of a full tub is pretty hefty, but I shall enjoy every last DROPLET of my sample thank you very much.


.. And that’s all folks :) 

Register to Vote. Then actually Vote. Don’t be a ninny.

Tomorrow is the last chance to register to vote and there are still people swimming around my consciousness that haven’t yet registered so I have compiled a list of all the reasons why you should and counteracted all the lame ass excuses you have for not voting.

Excuse No 1:

“They’re just all the same, what’s the point in voting, there’s no one party that I’m interested in”

Look. I know what you mean, a lot of politicians seem far removed from reality and like stuffy middle aged men in suits who are spouting the same old shit but just wearing slightly different colour ties, and slightly different boxy haircuts. But dig a little deeper and you’ll find they are actually absolutely not all the same. In fact they have some wildly differing opinions on things that affect us (the average Joe’s and Josie’s). If you’re UNSURE of the differences between them, then that’s a different story, and a good place to start figuring out the differences between them would be doing one of those quizzes that shows you who you’d vote for if you voted for policies over parties. It’s quick and easy and pretty much rookie proof. Look, here’s one: https://voteforpolicies.org.uk/

The next step is to face the fact that you are NEVER going to find a party that perfectly represents ALL of your views. However, you are, I’m sure, capable of finding a pretty good compromise. I would bet my favourite candle (Jo Malone, white jasmine&mint, FYI) that you compromise on a daily basis in other areas of life already. I know I do (examples segway):

– I’m half way between a size 8 and a size 10 on one half of my body and a half way between a size 10 and a size 12 on the other half but I still WEAR CLOTHES.

– My best mate is flaky as all hell and never contactable during emergencies because she turns her phone off for days on end, but I’m still her mate.

– My flat is bloody wonderful, but it’s right next to a train line and sometimes is so loud it actually vibrates, and it doesn’t have a patio or an outside space or a DISHWASHER. And yet, I’m able to enjoy living there a great deal.

There are a million and one slightly annoying, un-perfect, not-exactly-what-you-want circumstances and yet we are capable of assessing all these irritants and coming to a compromise. I know how to pick out an outfit that will (almost) flatter my misshapen silhouette, I’m friends with Ms Flaky but ensure I have other friends who ARE there when I need them, I walk to the park when it’s sunny and sleep with earplugs in.

Compromise compromise compromise.

There’s never going to be a perfect party. You might not like that Ed Miliband feels a bit socially awkward and looks a little bit like an Aardman character, you might think David Cameron is as dodgy as the used car salesman who winks at you and only let’s you pay with cash. Let’s be honest, you’d be pretty right on both those counts, but you can compromise on which party reflects the MOST of your morals and expectations. Also, it really is the PARTY you’re voting for. Sure, the leaders matter, but just like Orange is the New Black isn’t JUST about Taylor Schilling, political parties are just as much about the supporting characters as well.

 

Excuse No 2: “It’s hard to care when it doesn’t affect me anyway”

Please make a list of how many things you replied YES to here:

– do you have a job? In that job, do you care about your employee rights? Whether you have a pension, protection against being fired for no reason, annual leave?

– do you care about your health and having access to medical care when you need it?

– do you care about having a roof over your head at night and how much you’re paying for that roof?

– do you care about the environment? Whether your garbage is collected? Whether you can recycle?

– do you care about your right to choose what happens to your body?

– do you care about the community you live in?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, then you care and who you vote for DOES impact your life. It will dictate how much tax you pay, your rights as a worker, your rights as a parent if you have a family, your rights as a woman etc etc.

 

Excuse Number 3: “It’s not going to make a difference”

Yes. It. Is. Here are some things that political parties have affected:

– Tuition fees – they’ve changed dramatically from government to government – do you go to uni? Have kids that want to? Have you been? Can you foresee that you’ll ever care about a human that wants to go? Ever in your life? Ok, then vote.

– Pensions – thanks to the government, it will soon be the case that legally we will all be entitled to have a pension set up by our place of work. AMAZING. A difference made.

– NHS – the current government is busy dismantling sections of the NHS to sell to private bidders. It’s also changing the infrastructure of it affecting who will make important decisions about who will make vital decisions that affect your healthcare. If we carry on with a Conservative government it’s unlikely the NHS will continue to exist as publicly owned entity and long term, it’s unlikely to continue to be free at the point of use. Do you ever get sick? (If not HOW I want your secrets?) Do your parents get sick? Kids? Friends? Has anyone you know ever had cancer? Been injured in an accident? Could they pay thousands of pounds to get better if they needed to? Could you cope if your friend went bankrupt trying to stay alive? If you care about this, vote.

– Benefits – David Cameron has plans to take away housing benefit from 18-25 year olds. Are you older than that? Did you get a job straight away after uni? Was it easy? I graduated with a first class English degree and it took months to land a job. Luckily I was supported by my family. What about you? Are you that age? Do you live at home? Can you envisage a situation with a bad family vibe where you’d had to move out but couldn’t get a job? If so, vote.

Ok, I’m getting carried away, but you get my gist. Real life is hard to escape. And real life is given direction by politics.

Excuse Number 4: I hate them all.

So you hate every single person who’s part of every single political party here in the UK. Every single person? All of them? Have you met them all? ALL? No? (Let’s be honest, it’s super bloody unlikely that you hate them ALL). I refer you to part 1. Find your compromise.

And lastly, there’s also the fundamental issue that this is a right. One it would be nice of you to respect. Yes because people literally gave their lives for it, but also because today, in the world WE live in, some people still don’t have that right. They don’t have that say. So do it for them.

Register here, now. https://www.gov.uk/register-to-vote


Ok, preach over and out

Hair Today, Hair Tomorrow… #hair

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I like my hair. This is a bold statement isn’t it? I don’t really analyse myself much but if I did, I’d say I was totally average and I’m ok with that. If I could look like Blake Lively that would be fantastic but I don’t so I’ve decided to have an IMPECCABLE personality instead (it’s a work in progress, jeeeez).

Anyway, back to MY HAIR (God, blogs are indulgent)… Anyway I like it more than I like most parts of me. I have hair that can be made either straight or curly with relative ease and I thank the good hair gods for that. I also thank the following cheapie products:
Shamps & conditioners
Spending loads of money on everyday shampoo and conditioner is crazy. You’re hair is DEAD people. Like I know that’s a weird thought, but it is TRUTH.  Therefore I actually think the most important thing here is variation rather than one particular product or another. With the exception of fructis which obviously NO ONE should touch because it ruins your hair just by looking at it.
Anyway. Here are my faves:
For dry hair/split ends. Herbal Essences Bee Strong shampoo and conditioner. Leaves your hair swishy and well conditioned. I think I’d probably avoid it if my hair had a tendency to be greasy / limp and lifeless but good for thick hair or lots of hair or just plain NORMAL hair.
Volume – I am OBSESSED with volumous hair. I just want it to be as big as possible. As humanly possible. Bigger. (That’s what SHE said). I have two I like for this:
John Frieda Luxurious Volume
Lee Staffords Big Fat Hair (has added bonus of smelling seriously incredible!)
– Miraculous Hair Growth:
Apparently this is shampoo that was originally used on HORSES. It’s called Mane & Tail and it is TRULY MAGICAL if you want your hair to grow quickly. MAGICAL.
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Heat Protection Stuff
For cheap and cheerful that works, I rate Tresemme Heat protection spray  – really bloody does the job and gives a lovely swishy feel. However, my fave has got to be VO5 Smoothly Does It Frizz Free cream! It gets rid of frizz, protects, doesn’t leave that horrible PRODUCT feel and is just an all round good egg.
 http://amzn.to/1GQad9n
Hair Spray
– I think we have established that I am A BIT ODD but my hairspray ritual really hammers that home. I use two hairsprays. One for actual hold and one for smell. For hold, there is NOTHING better than Elnette. But I do not enjoy the smell, so I round off with Lee Stafford
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And finally before I leave, let me write a brief obituary to one of the best products to grace Gods Green Earth.
Tigi Fashionista Smooth & Sleek. It was PURPLE. It smelt great. It made my hair FABULOUS. May you rest in peace

The Definitive Guide of How To Be A Spinster

The Definitive Guide of How To Be A Spinster

Single ladies. You’re all going to be so happy with me I have made a really good guide on how to be spinster forever. Because we all know it is THE BEST EVER.

 

All methods tried and tested by Yours Truly.

 

  1. Have the creeping realisation that all dating apps make you want to die so delete them before quickly realising you’re decaying and dying alone and that’s worse so re-upload them.

If you’re anywhere near as lucky as me, the cycle of men will go something like the following:

Day 1: hi babycakes

Day 2: Wanna fuck?

Day 3:Susie you look naughty

Day 4: Mmmm sexy Susie

Day 5: I’m here with my girlfriend, are you up for a threesome?

 

You will lose the will to live. Delete. Lament singledom. Moan to your friends, your friend will then regale you with wonderful tale of glory about woman who meets husband, boyfriend, fiancé on Tinder. A heart newly filled with hope, you join tinder again, moments later;

“Hi babycakes”

Rinse & repeat forever.

Die. Alone.

 

  1.  When you realise finding anyone new is IMPOSS, have ill advised sex with an ex. Pick the one who calls randomly for a booty call at midnight and wins you over by telling you how much they still care for you but then they leave as soon as dawn hits without saying “bye”or “are you ok?” or “would you like a cup of tea” or “shall I lock the door?”. Sleeping with these rascals will deflate you so much you’ll be sure to want to sew your flaps together forevermore.

 

  1. When the dating equivalent of an eclipse happens and a man who seems actually pretty good asks you out, say yes but then cancel at the last minute through total and utter fear and spend the evening watching Once Upon a Time in your pants eating ice cream and wiping single tears from your cheek, whilst hate-liking your friends happy couple pics on Insta.

 

  1. Alternatively you GO on the date and realise he is awful half way through but stay with it and waste time. Because it’s vital to be polite and not appear rude regardless of what a stupid waste of time this is. These types of dates will cunningly throw you greater into the arms of alluring spinsterdom.

 

  1. Develop your only crush of the whole year on someone who is in a relationship. Most likely their girlf will be the most fabulous woman on the planet and you end up fancying her even more. Feel sad and alone and undecided over who you fancy more / who you envy more / who you want to fall down a portal into another world more.

 

  1. Buy yourself flowers in an empowered “I don’t need a man” statement and then forget to change their water and watch them slowly decay whilst rushing in and out of your flat to work and friends and before you know it they’re dead and gone and there’s a wedding dress in the corner and you’re Miss Havisham.

 

Ok great. I think I’ve covered it.


DISCLAIMER. I mean, obviously you know this because of my HILARIOUS tone, but I am (mostly) joking.

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