My Feminist Dream

I started writing a blog about feminism about three months ago. I’m extremely lazy most of the time, and have the attention span of a laundry basket so it’s been taking me A WHILE to piece shit together. And then the last few weeks saw the spectacularly offkey rape threats flying around, Caitlin Moran organising #twittersilence and everyone IN THE WORLD has written a fucking blog about it so this is a drop in the abyss.

But I’m staying cool. I’m gonna publish my blog anyway and just style it out when everyone is too bored to read it. Also, I kinda think this is a conversation that NEEDS TO BE HAD. So what if we’re having it over and over? Better than not at all.


Are you a woman

Do you enjoy buying stuff with your own money? The money you earn? If you don’t have a job, are you pleased that should you want one, your gender, the thing that’s entirely out of your control, wouldn’t be a factor that prevented you from getting one?

If you do have a job, do you want to be earning what your male counterparts earns or does it drive you mental that Bob who does that same job as you, earns more that you, because he’s got a swinging pendulum hanging from his groin, and you just have some flappie things.

Are you a man? Are you a man who loves the women in his life? Are you a man who thinks your opinion is pretty much equal to a female – apart from the times you’re right and the times she’s right but you don’t care to admit it? Are you a man who would be SERIOUSLY disappointed if Louise from accounting who sorted out that tax thing that time for you wasn’t there because she has boobs and is just a secretary?

We’ve got our knickers/boxers/UNDERGARMENTS in a twist about feminism and we have to stop. IT JUST MEANS EQUALITY.

I think most of us can agree that it’s pretty rad. Imagine if women couldn’t vote, and couldn’t work and just stayed at home and weren’t represented in the media, or in Parliament or in LIFE. It’d be, well, shit. So, on the face of it MOST OF us are feminists. There’s always gonna be some people living in the dark ages, but some people ACTUALLY LIKE SPAM. MEAT IN A CAN. Life is full of surprises.

And yet, despite us loving a bit of feminism, the crux of the situation is that equality isn’t fully HERE yet.  Don’t get me wrong, were going GREAT GUNS, we’re streaks ahead of other places in the world. But we still aren’t there. We still have unequal pay, we still tiny have representation on TV, we still have LOTS OF STUFF THAT’S NOT QUITE RIGHT. It’s kinda like we’re all pretending we’re not feminists because it’s a really dirty word now and whilst we’re busy worrying away, feminism is becoming a ball that’s rolling down the hill.  The other day I got into a ‘discussion’ with someone who insisted that we DID have equality and it was almost UNEQUAL and WOMEN WERE JUST GETTING TOO BIG FOR THEIR BOOTS.

Rather than argue with him, I’m just going go write a list of things I WANT which rather NIFTLY doubles up as a load of reasons why we DON’T YET have equality.  Multitasking innit (well, I am a woman) …

So here are a few of my dreams:

– I’d like to live in a world where one of the categories on Netflix ISN’T ‘Women behind the camera’ – I’d like it to just be totally normal that a woman might be a director and we don’t have to stipulate who shot the fucking film.

– I’d like to have NEVER seen a man wanking over me on public transport. But I have. Twice. I’m not sure that falls under FEMINISM, but it’s still very much a THING.

– I’d like to be able to walk home late at night, wearing what I want to wear and not be ABSOLUTELY TERRIFIED

– I’d like no one on Twitter to tell me that because I want equal rights, I’m probably no fun and have never got my tits out

– I’d like to not have been sexually assaulted at a work place, told my boss and for them say to me ‘It’s your word against his because we don’t have CCTV and we believe him because he’s been there longer’ and then make some comment about me wearing ‘tight tops’.

– I’d like to never hear the phrase ‘women aren’t funny’ EVER AGAIN. Some PEOPLE are funny and some PEOPLE aren’t but whether they have a P or V is fairly immaterial in deciding whether they are

– I’d like to have equal representation in media

– I’d like for female presenters on TV shows to be AS OLD AS they’re male counterparts – especially in DUO environments. I love Holly Willoughy but why is Schofield ALL OF THE YEARS older than her?

– I’d like for feminism to STOP becoming synonymous with the image of a really uptight woman who never have sex?

– I’d like to watch porn, wax, dress how I want, make crude jokes AND STILL BE ALLOWED TO BE A FEMINIST

– I’d like to see porn made where the man isn’t GAGGING THE WOMEN WITH HIS PENIS, coming all over her face and NEVER SATISFYING HER

– I’d like for the Daily Mail to stop giving women such a hard time

– In fact I’d like huge swathes of the media to stop giving specifically women such a hard time. SPECIFICALLY in association with their appearance. Maybe they do have a sweat patch, or some cellulite, or a tache or a spot. But so did a million other famous men and I don’t see you covering that ‘EXCLUSIVE’.

– I’d like to see a music video from Timberland, or Pharrell or Robin Thicke that uses imagination BEYOND ‘here’s a fit girl dancing without much clothing on’. Unless of course these 40 year old MEN are prepared to have 40 year old WOMEN getting dowwwwwn and durty with them. I’d watch THAT.

– I’d like for David Cameron’s response to a women getting all up in his grill in Parliament to be smarter than ‘Calm down dear’

– I’d like to not have a SLIGHTLY sexist Prime Minister. I’d like a PM who isn’t sexist at all

– I’d like for equal pay to be a thing that happens EVERYWHERE

– I’d like us to forget that SOME of our organs are different and just behave like we’re all humans and getting through everything we need to in life involves teamwork and I’ll pitch in as much as you. Equally.

Those are my lists of feminist demands and I’d like them ALL TO BE MET thank you.

God. Us women are SO NEEDY.

Now, hold the door open for me as I leave would you?



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